so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
