she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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