God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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