What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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