He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
