he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize