You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize