Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
