You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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