i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
