insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
