They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
