Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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