Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
