Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
