I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
