nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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