well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
