im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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