Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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