p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Couch. On fire.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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