Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
