I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
