I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
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