Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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