I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
