you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
