well I can't set my house on fire every night
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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