You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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