Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
