I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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