Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think your dad took our porno
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
