I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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