i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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