Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
