shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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