i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
