You're my little dorito
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize