It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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