i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
