Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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