you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
