I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
