Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
This house was built for laser tag.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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