Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
