Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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