He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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