I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
