i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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