Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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