There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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