Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize