if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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