Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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