I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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