So drunk its hurt
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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