Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
