Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
