i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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